Busy fathers

Sometimes I get this familiar feeling around some conversations, I don’t know what triggers it, though it never lasts long. It’s the feeling that this father is trying to express his love. Where I’m from ( the family not the country) fathers don’t say “I love you” a lot. So you learn to feel their love in gestures and concerns. It’s been a year and a half since I’ve had that directed towards me, a year and a half without the blanket of care I was so used to, a year an a half since papa passed away. I still feel that feeling it’s just not directed towards me, it’s nice however because it reminds me of the time it was. 

As I sit in this airport lounge in toronto waiting for my connecting flight to Amsterdam I felt it twice. 2 fathers trying their best to be fathers, long distance. It must be hard commanding authority, expressing love and even just checking up properly without being there in front of your kids. One gentleman is trying his best to understand why the daughter’s friend/sister is behaving differently. The other gentleman being a stern father asking his ward to switch off the iPad, he orders then requests and then orders again, only to realise the kid doesn’t know how to. Now he is trying to be IT help desk for his child. The first gentleman manages to clam his kid and promises to call early tomorrow. Both fathers disconnect the phones with promises and plans to their children. As silence befalls there is an air of longing in the area. I hope someday the kids can remember these efforts from their fathers  as fondly as I remember ones from mine. Small gestures and sweet promises are very powerful in life when you think back of why you feel so loved even a year and a half after the one who made them is gone. 

I hope these gentlemen don’t mind me eavesdropping on their calls. This took me on a trip I didn’t leave for when I left home today morning and brought me where I needed to be.

To new beginings

I recently moved to the port town of Saint John, New Brunswick in Canada. When I say recently I mean it hasn't been a week yet. A combination of things brought me here. Hyderabad was not really a permanent plan, not now at least. I was there because I was home sick in 2016 and something inside me compelled me to go back to India. It turned out to be a very good decision, not only because I was able to spend time with my family and friends, date a wonderful man and get married but also because I got to meet my dad many times in what happened to be his last year. His passing is very fresh in my mind and very much a topic that disturbs me so I will not indulge in it any further, just know that I am glad I moved to India when I did. It was time to go back to Canada and I didn't gravitate towards Toronto. Do not get me wrong I love that city but maybe it was the wander lust or the desire to make it on my own that I applied for jobs in other parts of Canada. In Toronto sometimes one gets stuck in the same circle, same routine, same type pf people and doesn't challenge themselves. There is really no point of a new place if you don't indulge in new experiences. Since I don't have any family in Toronto, it was a no brainer for me. My husband was totally on board of this decision. I was fortunate to quickly find a job in one of the most reputed companies in Atlantic Canada. As I planned my move I realized that my husband's family was quite hesitant about our move. I tackled it with open communication but sometimes I think time does the trick. I also realize how lucky I am, as I don't have to keep defending my decisions to my parents (now parent). As nervous as they might have gotten they trusted me to make the right decision. Even when they disagreed I couldn't be stopped and everyone knew it, not everyone is that lucky. Anyhow, all the hesitation, lack of creative jobs (field my husband is in) as well as Saint John being such a small city really make me nervous about the move. As much as I want to make it on my own, I want my husband with me and his happiness is paramount.

Since our move life has been quite exciting for both of us. Something about setting every little thing in the house and doing everything on our own has made my bond with my husband stronger. We found the house, assembled the IKEA furniture, bought some kitchenware  ( Rest will come with the movers) and made our house fully functional in a very short time. I catch my husband smiling happily at our little achievements. He makes the house a home. He has even been able to find a course and a path he will pursue when he is back here in a few months. All of that calms my fears about him settling here well. As small as Saint John is, I think there is a lot to do here. my new employers are very nice and I think I will be able to shine in the interesting work coming my way. My husband and I are seeing this as an opportunity to explore Atlantic Canada and travel, learn new things without the hurry of a busy city. Here's hoping we have a great time here and fall in love even more. Saint John, here we are :)

How much is too much

I have been trying to write about something here for some time now. I keep writing and deleting things. Even though I am probably the only one who reads these posts it is still out there which means I am still technically sharing my reflections with whoever cares to listen. I am deliberately trying to be vulnerable and since poems and movie/ book reviews cushion the intensity of the thoughts I am going to stay away from those as much as I can. First I wanted to write about depression and anxiety but it is too personal and I am not at the stage of sharing yet. Then I wanted to write about what is going on in my life, at least on the surface but again I am not sure if I am there yet.  Topic after topic I was coming to the same conclusion so I have come to the realization that I have never really actually shared anything with anyone. In some form, like aforementioned poetry especially I have shared my feelings but never really anything about what I as a person am going through. After deliberating over this, I come to the question: how much sharing is too much sharing?  With social media we can now share what we like how we like and as much as we like but most of the time we only see the positives of someone’s life.  Think od it this way, these posts are like photographs, everyone is smiling and everyone is happy. Frequently we also come across people’s opinions and thoughts on various matters considered intellectual but most often they are rants or another way to portray you a certain way. In this day and age of extreme competition branding is very important and I see all around part taking in this rat race. I am not innocent of this crime either, but here is my effort to really writing something down where there is no propaganda, thought this and other posts to follow I wish to learn and grow.

How much share is too much share can also be how much is too much when it comes to emotions, competition ambition and so much more. As far as the rest go the simple answer is as much as it helps you and doesn’t take you over. Do things to the extent you can handle whatever it maybe so I guess share as much as you can without losing it’s purpose, to help you. In order to feel full as a human being the exercise of doing what you feel like is very important that’s why one needs to learn difference between right and wrong so what you feel like is only your business and not harmful to anyone else.

What I harmlessly wish to accomplish is to express myself and that I will do. Perhaps it is time to start sharing.

Update

I will write again. bad as it may be. I will because I need to
I will Wirte again sad as I may be. I will because I it frees me
I will write again glad it will make me. I will because I want to
I will
I am 

Big game (2014) [48/50]

Language: English

Cast:  Samuel L. Jackson, Onni Tommila, Ray Stevenson, Mehmet Kurtulus, Victor Garber, Ted Levine, Felicity Huffman, Jim Broadbent

Story: Following a plane crash the president of the USA meets a timorous 13 year old who is on a quest to prove himself to his tribe, in the wilderness. Together they form a team and their bond helps them concur difficulties both of the wild and man-made.

Screenplay and direction: Not good at all, direction is decent.

Performances: Lacks charm and sincerity.

Interesting:  The panorama of the wilderness.

USP: Maybe Samuel L. Jackson

Downside: The script is weak and insincere.

Verdict: Not recommended, perhaps a good children’s movie but I did not like the amount of BS the audience is expected to take in its stride. 4.5/10

Good morning, Vietnam (1987) [47/50]

Language: English

Cast:  Robin Williams, Forest Whitaker, Tung Thanh Tran

Story: Robin Williams plays a radio jockey/ Disc jockey who brings his unique likable style and humor to the armed forces radio in Vietnam. He is soon faced with the realities of the land. While gaining popularity among the troops.

Screenplay and direction: Both well done.

Performances: Robin Williams is exceptional as usual but I might be a little biased because I am such a huge fan of his. Forest Whitaker, Tung Thanh Tran and the rest of the cast do a good job as well.

Interesting:  For me it was the ending and the sombreness of the movie beneath the humor.

USP: Robin Williams’s humor AND acting

Downside: Some might find it a bit graver than their predisposed expectation of a “funny” guy’s movie.

Verdict: I liked it, recommend it 7.5/10

Gone girl (2014) [46/50]

Language: English

Cast:  Ben Affleck, Rosamund Pike, Neil Patrick Harris

Story: The story of a couple, and the media circus that follows the abduction of the wife. Husband becomes a suspect while mystery start to unfold showing things aren’t as they appear.

Screenplay and direction: Enticing keeps you involved

Performances: Very good, Ben A pulled his own weight too.

Interesting:  The story really is the best part of the movie.

USP: David Fincher’s direction and Rosamund Pike’s beautiful performance

Downside: Towards the end the director is not able to maintain the pace and excitement

Verdict: Very interesting, defiantly watch it 8.5/10

May Allah Bless France! (2014) [45/50]

Language: French

 

Cast: Marc Zinga, Sabrina Ouazani, Larouci Didi

 

Story: Based on the autobiography hence the true story of a Rapper from France who finds his way in a poor neighbourhood out of bad company by the help of music and love. Inspirational story of how someone can beat the odds, yet very realistic.

 

Screenplay and direction: Interesting unusual

 

Performances: Life like performances.

 

Interesting:  The whole movie is in Black and white yet the cinematography is excellent so very exciting.

 

USP: The French rap

 

Downside: As life it could be sometimes boring

 

Verdict: A very different movie, spoke to me, loved the French rap and the story (trues) was inspirational. Made me want to read the book and check out the artist. Good job. 7.5/10

Before midnight (2013) [44/50]

Language: English

Cast:  Ethan Hawke, Julie Delpy

Story: The continuation of the story of the two characters from ‘before sunrise’ and ‘before sunset’ after 9 years and how there life has unfolded.

Screenplay and direction: Direction and screenplay are very good though not as good as it’s predecessors.

Performances: Effortless performances once again.

Interesting:  It’s the third and latest in the series if 3(so far) movies.

USP: the conversation and the effortless acting.

Downside: while the 1^st two were out of a dream this one is more real.

Verdict: not as good as the first two. It is a fairytale like story given a more realistic and rather inane turn, which makes it less appealing than the others. This one is 7/10 stand alone, but overall the series is still a 9/10 for me.