Personal journal

Lately I have discovered that I lack confidence.

I have no lack of self esteem and none of ideas and thoughts

But today when I was conversing with a friend of mine, I realized that since I feel like he is more accomplished than me(in the career department) I feel intimidated by him.

Maybe it’s my self loathing due to my failures but I really don’t like myself very much these days.

When I say I lack confidence I mean it’s a serious issue. Somehow my thoughts fall short when I am about to say them out loud.

I start to blabber and fumble with words and start second guessing myself.

I’ll start by telling you about my great-grandfather who was very big businessman in Bangladesh (undivided India).

My grandfather lived a life of luxury under his father and elder brother’s guardianship.

But around 1947 they had to move, leaving everything they owned in Bangladesh to the new India.

Partition has so many sad stories that this sudden change of fate seems like a good deal compared to what could have happened.

They made it out alive, yes, but with very little to call their own. When I was a child my father often told me about how big of a businessman his grandfather used to be and how prices in Dhaka would rise of the commodities he’d point at.

When I was still little I had enquired about this and my father had made me understand commodities trade.

I learned of futures and options much later, or should I say I am still learning. I am no stranger to trade and had been a confidant to a significant share of my father’s trade details when still in 10^th grade.

But when this friend of mine mentioned derivatives today on the phone I felt blank and anxious. It wasn’t until later I realized I had attended a seminar even (that got featured on cnbc tv 18) that discussed the same.

When I realized it I immediately blamed it on my friend and his condescending “know it all” tone but it was later that I realized that I get tongue tied in front of anyone with the slightest hint of confidence.

This self loathing is probably due to my failure to launch (in the career department) but seems to have translated itself into paralyzing me. If I don’t find a way to deal with this and overcome it now, I might loose the very essence of me, and that makes me sad. so help..